RE: Jesus’ Lawsuit Against the Church.

Here is the best response to the pope’s suing Benetton.


In other news, Jesus Christ is suing the Vatican for damages over unauthorised use of his image, libel and slander, and seeking an injunction against further use of his image or name. Speaking at a recent press conference, Joshua ben Joseph, known to Christians around the world as Jesus Christ, tearfully claimed that the association of his image with the Catholic Church, and Christianity in general caused him “unending pain and mental anguish” and “made [him] want to vomit at the sound of [his] own name”.

“Imagine someone made a likeness of you while you were being tortured, and then sold it to billions of people to use to adorn their houses, cars, and places of worship,” he told reporters, “imagine people spoke to you of eating your flesh and drinking your blood in order to live forever. It would be bad humour if they were joking, but they’re dead serious and it’s terrifying,” adding that his fear of Christians, whom he referred to as “anti-semitic cannibals”, has kept him “basically heaven-bound during the best years of [his] eternal existence” before breaking down and sobbing. Holding on to an unidentified female for support, he recovered to say that claims that he suffered from dissociative identity disorder are “totally unfounded. Why anyone would accept the word of a fifth century Celt as authoritative on matters of mental health is beyond me, and I’m omniscient, for my sake!”

Neither Mr. ben Joseph nor his lawyer would disclose the amount in damages they were seeking from the church except to note that, should their suit be successful, the world could expect to see a “massive scale-back of their stupid gilded hat budget” among Roman Catholic clergy. Further, Church officials and Church laity would be unable to refer to themselves as ‘Christians’ in the future. “We don’t care what they call themselves, as long as the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Christ’ aren’t involved. Frankly, I’d love to see all billion of them come together to agree on a new name, but I don’t think it’s likely,” Jesus’ lawyer said, referring to schisms and sectarian in-fighting.

Vatican officials declined to comment on the case other than to say that they were waiting for definitive proof that the plaintiff was the actual Jesus of Nazareth, whom they claim is their god and messiah. “This fellow, whoever he is, has dark curly hair and brown eyes and has none of the Teutonic features we know Our Lord to have,” a spokesperson for the Church said. However, an anonymous source close to the Pope said that Benedict XVI wept tears of joy when he first saw the plaintiff on the news, though his joy reportedly turned to disappointment when he learned that the man identifying himself as ‘Jesus’ was not “a Mexican with more of that Aztec gold.”


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